Simmons: Hi, I’m Dick Simmons from the popular web series Red vs. Blue. Grif: And I’m– Donut: Hi guys! Did you miss me? Grif: You can’t keep asking that every time you come back from the bathroom, man. Simmons: Yeah, dude. It’s gross. Donut: What? No! I was in Paris for three weeks! You guys didn’t notice? Simmons: Uhh… Grif: Hmm. Donut: I talked about it for months!
You helped me get tickets to the Louvre! Grif: That doesn’t sound like me… at all. Donut: Simmons drove me to the airport! Simmons: Uh, it doesn’t ring a bell. Donut: Oh my gosh. You guys were supposed feed my cat! Donut: Whiskers! Simmons: Why, that was a perfect segue to talk about a very important topic. Simmons: Etiquette when visiting a foreign country. Grif: A set of skills that will keep you from embarrassing yourself and your country overseas, Grif: And are a must in these trying times. Sarge: What’s wrong with Donut? I just saw him running away and ugly crying. Sarge: Like, really ugly. *shiver* Grif: I dunno, broke a nail? Simmons: The first step of visiting a foreign country is getting the hell out of your country. Simmons: That’s where the airport comes in. You’ll recognize it by the big sign that reads “Airport”, Simmons: and the construction that’s been going on for the last 15 years. TSA Agent: Are you carrying any weapons or anything that might be considered a weapon today, sir? Sarge: Of course! Several of them! Simmons: Never leave home without one, duh. Grif: My suitcase is just grenades! TSA Agent: Are you carrying any weapons on you today, anything that might be considered a weapon, sir? Caboose: Uhhh… Um.. No.. Caboose: Well, you might notice my suitcase, which happens to be in the *shape* of a, um… gun. Caboose: Uh… but it’s only packing bullets. TSA Agent: We’re gonna need a passenger assist over at security. TSA Agent: Four passenger assists. Simmons: Ugh, that was exhausting! Sarge: My life started flashing before my eyes! Grif: Ugh! Two whole hours! Simmons: Traumatic experiences such as long flights can be overcome with simple distractions, such as watching a censored version of your favorite R-rated movie, Simmons: Throwing peanuts at the flight attendants, or writing down great ideas you only get with a feverish brain induced by cabin air pressure. Simmons: Here’s what I wrote: *clears throat* Simmons: Perpetual motion rollercoaster; reading light in funeral caskets; Jon Lovitz. Jon Lovitz? Grif: Adult diapers, but for babies. Caboose: Clouds. Skyline. Tarmac. Grif: Did you just write whatever you saw out the window? Caboose: We weren’t playing I Spy? Grif: *stomach growling* Simmons: When contemplating where to eat on a trip abroad, it’s advised to be adventurous and try new things. Grif: That’s right! For example, McDonald’s in Greece has a Big Mac with pita bread and tzatziki sauce Sarge: The Chinese McDonald’s has black and white buns! Simmons: And McDonald’s Germany has a bratwurst sandwich! Caboose: What about places that don’t have McDonald’s? Sarge: We don’t go to places that don’t have a McDonald’s. Caboose: Why not? Sarge: It’s not safe. Value your life more, son. *distant vague inaccurate French noises* Grif: A big part of traveling abroad is making connections with the locals Grif: By displaying your friendly American ways. Simmons: Precisely. Simmons: When trying to communicate with foreigners Simmons: Remember that English might not be their primary language Simmons: So make sure to speak A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT LOUDER THAN USUAL Grif: Impress them with how better your English is than theirs Grif: In turn, they’ll be thrilled when you insist they teach you curse words in their native tongue. Caboose: Uh, guys, um, what does *bleep* uh mean? Grif: Whoa! Simmons: Oh my god! What’s wrong with you? Grif: You’re a monster! Go stand in the corner and watch your mouth you piece of shit! Grif: *stomach growling* Simmons: As Son Tzu once told us, everybody poops. And that’s just as true on vacation as it is at home Grif: But some countries have different facilities and habits than you’re used to. Grif: For example, toilets in Japan are often much smarter than the average American soldier. Grif: Equipped with heated seats, rear cleansers Grif: Automatic lids and candy dispensers for when you get hungry during a lengthy discharge. Simmons: That’s right Grif. And in Australia, the water flushes the opposite way. Grif: Upwards? So the water splashes all over your face? Simmons: Yeah, the water splashes all over your face idiot. No! I mean counterclockwise. Grif: That’s stupid. Simmons: It sure is. And other places like right here, the toilet is often outdoors, and Simmons: What? Where is it? Where’d it go? Grif: Uhh…I think that’s it. Simmons: Y-you mean the hole? Bu-but what do you sit on? Grif: Think you, if you just move, see if you just squat and turn. Simmons: Oh no way! Nevermind! I’m out! Simmons: Just hold it till you’re safely back home. Sarge: Did you boys see the toilets in this dump? Sarge: That’s it! I’m aborting this mission. We’re catching the next flight out of here. Grif: Thank God! Simmons: Great! We managed to last Simmons: Ooh! 52 minutes. Personal best. Grif: That was 51 minutes too long. Sarge: Where’s caboose? Caboose: Uhhhh guys? Caboose: I finished! Caboose: How do I come back up? *ship taking off* Sarge: Ah, it’s good to be back. Grif: Home is where your flushing toilet is. Simmons: When you finally come back home Simmons: Take a moment to look at the many souvenirs you’ve purchased at the overpriced gift shops Simmons: Even though you had a miserable time Simmons: Your knickknacks will give everyone the illusion that your trip was amazing Simmons: And better than anything they’ll ever achieve. Sarge: I got a Big Ben snow globe! Grif: We weren’t even in England. Sarge: Ah, they sell ’em everywhere. Simmons: I wonder what other travelers cherished from their brave voyages. Donut: At least I have all this French cheese to comfort me. Donut: *sniffle* It smells terrible. Simmons: On a final note, don’t forget to tell all your friends about your trip in great detail. Simmons: Even if it’s been four years! Simmons: Have a slideshow prepared and running. Simmons: Everyone would love to hear about the time you got food poisoning in Hong Kong again. Sarge: And oh that reminds me, did I ever tell you about that time I… Simmons and Grif *in unison*: Yes. Many times. Sarge: Well, you’re going to have to listen to it again! Sarge: It’s an order! Simmons and Grif *in unison*: Oh God! Sarge: Well, it was a hot August summer. Back when Florida was still around. Grif *Sarge continuing*: Ah crap. I think I forgot my suitcase in the spinny thingy. Simmons *Sarge continuing*: No, I got it for you. Don’t worry. I’d never leave a friend hanging. Caboose: Guys! Caboose: Guys! Woo, pillow. Caboose: No definitely not a pillow. Caboose: Guys you’re not gonna believe this. Caboose: The TSA is down here.