Felipe Esparza – A Violent Journey to Comedy – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Felipe Esparza – A Violent Journey to Comedy – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– I was scared now, because
if he’s not pressing charges, that means he wants to kill me. [laughter] So me, out of paranoia,
I got hooked on crack. [laughter] I mean, I got hooked on crack![dark electronic music][cheers and applause] – Every time I see him, he
puts everybody in a good mood. He’s fucking
everybody’s best friend. Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up for Mr. Felipe Esparza.Let him hear it.[cheers and applause]– My name is Felipe Esparza. I grew up, like,
five miles from here, in Boyle Heights,
the capital of East Los Angeles. What’s up, fool? And this is how
I became a comedian one night. I’ve always wanted
to be a comedian, since I was a little kid. My friend Jackie Escalera,
he had a– one of those little
record players you– you plug in,
and we heard Bill Cosby
for the first time. And I said,
“Man, that’s funny.” And I memorized it,
and I said, “I wanna be just like him.” Not anymore, but– [laughter] But I wanted to be
just like him. So I grew up, and… I got older, and I didn’t follow
my dream, you know, to be a comedian,
so I end up–got– I got jumped to a–
I got jumped into a gang. I didn’t really wanna get
jumped into a gang, but I was hanging around
with them too much, so then one day they asked me,
“So what’s up, Batman? You wanna get jumped in?” And they punched me,
and I got jumped in. [laughter] And my name was Batman. They chose Batman because
I wore Batman shirts every day, and they were
just underwear, though. They were Underoos. [laughter] So one night, you know,
my friends and I, we know– We liked going
to the drive-in movie theaters, because you could sneak
in one person–and Mexicans, we’re used to sneaking in
people anyway, so. [laughter] So we’re drinking
at the drive-in theater, watching the “Terminator 2,” that’s how long it goes, and I love
the “Terminator 2”, man. I love all the “Terminator”s. ‘Cause the story about somebody
that they hate you so much, that they’re gonna bring
somebody who’s not even fucking born… [laughter] To kill your fucking mom. [laughter] I said, “I got to watch
this shit.” So, you know, we’re–we’re,
you know, little gangster guys, you know, my friend Donald
and my friend Bobo. You know, they say, “Hey, Batman,
you wanna smoke some PCP?” I said, “Fuck it, why not? Let’s get
into the ‘Terminator.'” So we’re smoking PCP
at the drive-in theater, and I don’t know
how we made it home without killing anybody. But we made it home safe,
thank God, but when we got
to the neighborhood, there was, like,
a lot of people there. They were partying; it was,
like, 1:30 in the morning. Everybody was–
The whole neighborhood was out; there were no police,
because the police doesn’t come to our neighborhood at night, and there was this guy there
who was, like– I like to say,
’cause he was older than me– I was only 21;
he was 30. And in my neighborhood,
if you’re 30, your life is over. [laughter] So I looked at him
like an old man, because nobody in my
neighborhood really made it to be 25. So he should’ve been dead
a long time ago. So he–he don’t like me,
because I’m a popular guy in the neighborhood;
I’m funny; I’m likable. And he goes,
“What’s up, Batman? I heard you beat up
my friend Batman.” And I did. Um, this guy
came out of prison, and he said, “I heard
they call you Batman,” I said, “Yeah, well,
some people do.” “Well, I’m the real Batman.” And I said, “Whoa, you know,
I could be the Joker right now.” [laughter] Penguin, Riddler… So him and I end up fighting,
and didn’t– It didn’t go too well for him. So this guy goes, “You know,
um, that’s not right, the way you beat up my homey,”
and I said, “Well, I didn’t really
wanna fight him for the name, you know?” So he ended up punching me
in the face right away, and I was on PCP, so I don’t know if he punched me
or his friend, ’cause I was looking
at two people, you know? [laughter] And…he hit me really hard. My eyes closed right away.
I was, like– you know, like Rocky. “Cut me, Mick,” you know? So he starts punching me more
in the face, the other eye, busted lip. I can’t fight. I might be 6’1″, 270 pounds, but this is just for looks. [laughter] This is just…armor. [laughter] This is a shield
to hide that I’m a big pussy. So he’s punching me,
and nobody’s helping me; like, every– Nobody’s watching.
It was too soon. Nobody was yelling
“World Star,” or they would. There was just
the same stuff, like, “Man, could this be the end
of the Dark Knight?” He is strangling me now,
like, I can’t breathe, and he’s, like, strangling me,
and nobody’s helping me. Now, he’s really
choking me to death. So I didn’t know what to do, so I ended up biting
half his ear off. Before Tyson, who–
He hacked me. So now I’m, like,
chewing his ear, like Ozzy Osbourne, you know? Running to the–
You know, crazy train… I was like, “Fun!” I don’t remember this part,
because I blanked out, of course, because of the PCP
and the alcohol, but my friends told me that
I ended up taking my belt off and started whipping him,
also, in the streets. So he had like
a “Hecho en México” on his forehead. [laughter] He ends up going
to the hospital, and he– He didn’t press charges,
you know? Because he could’ve
pressed charges. He didn’t press charges
because he’s not a rat. You know? He’s a–
He’s a hardcore guy, and I was like, fuck–
I was scared now, because if he’s not
pressing charges, that means
he wants to kill me. [laughter] So me, out of paranoia,
I got hooked on crack. [laughter] I mean, I got hooked on crack! I was walking
around the neighborhood like Jeff Dunham
with no puppets. [laughter and applause] Tweaking hard. And I was still wearing
the same shirt from the bloody night, so I looked like a walker. So I’m scared, you know? My mom was scared, because… she knows that they’re after me. So I come from a family
where nobody says, “I’m sorry,” Nobody had ever said,
“I’m sorry.” My mom never told me,
“I’m sorry.” My dad never said,
“I’m sorry.” So my Mom was praying, and this priest
comes to my house, Father Greg Boyle, from Homeboy Industries. He tells me that,
“Your mom told me that you’re walking around
with a loaded pistol.” And then I was,
“Who told you that?” “Well, you’ve been telling
everyone in the neighborhood that you have a loaded pistol.” So I give him the loaded pistol, and he puts me in rehab,
but I don’t wanna go to rehab, because I feel like
I’m pussing out, you know? Like, “Rehab?
I could take this guy. You know, I already bit
bit half his ear off.” [laughter] So I go to rehab,
and I have a black eye from the fight, you know? I’m all–I’m all messed up. I’m like a young–
I’m a loser, what I am. I didn’t mean anything–
I’m a fucking loser. And I’m there in rehab
with heroin addicts, and I’m praying every night;
I’m crying every night. I don’t know, I’m too–
I’m, like– I wanna escape, but I don’t know
how to get home. And this real nice guy–
I’ll never forget his name– from the valley–
this Irish guy named Tim. He comes up to me one day,
and he goes, “Felipe, what did you ever
wanna be in your life?” And I said,
“Before a crackhead?” [laughter] “I wanted to be a comedian.
I wanted to be a comedian.” And he goes, “Why don’t you
write that down? “So write down five things that you wanna
accomplish in life.” And nobody’s ever
told me that, like, five things
to accomplish in life. Nobody had told me– I never thought I would live
this long to be here, at Cheetah’s,
and not being kicked out. [laughter] And, so– [cheers and applause] I wrote down,
“I wanna be a comedian,” and the second thing was,
“I wanna be happy,” and the third one was,
“Because I love Olive Garden, I wanna go to Italy.” [laughter] And four and five,
I didn’t write shit, because I thought–I couldn’t
think of anything else, man. [laughter] So I–I graduate
out of rehab– you know,
my first time graduating. I got a one year diploma
for being sober. I come back home,
and who do I see? Half ear. I see the guy I fought,
you know? And I wanted to tell him
I’m sorry, you know? Because I really was sorry, even though
he started the fight, but I really felt sorry
’cause I was sober. And I remember
he came up to me, and– Fuck, man. He wanted to fight. [laughter] He said, “I’ma kill you!” ” I’Anmad kI-il-Al ndyo Ir n m- I turn the other cheek; like, I didn’t even fight. I just gave him my back, and he kicked the Bible
off my hand, you know? Like, “You’re not
a fucking Christian. You’re a [bleep].”
You know? And I was like, “Ugh!”
I held it in, you know? Not to do nothing to him, And then I ran inside the house,
and I was crying. I said, “Man, everybody
gonna think I’m a big [bleep],
a big pussy.” I took my shirt off,
threw my Bible in the air, and I ran outside,
and my dad clotheslined me, “What are you doing? Don’t you wanna be a comedian?” And I said,
“Oh, yeah, I do. I do.” So I went back inside
and didn’t do nothing. And I’m proud of that, because I probably would’ve
killed him, and– If you’re alive
and you’re watching this, I hope your life
turned out great. Mine did okay.
I’m very sorry. Thank you very much.[dark electronic music][cheers and applause]

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    Ian Sullivan

    I never expected on of these to be so damned inspirational. Jokes aside, congrats on turning your life around Felipe. Maybe one day you'll actually be a comedian. Naw, you funny, guy.

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    Gary Noble

    Buy cheap Marajuana online at Sabrinaworld.ca great deal you have to see to believe.use the coupon code GUMMYFREE to get a pack of 10 gummies free with any purchase

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    Bloody Rahu

    Saw this guy at Comedy Works Denver 2016 with my ex gf. Good set. Had the crowd rolling for an hour. Nobody wanted it to end. I love this more down to earth storytelling environment for him. The story was uncomfortably relatable to some of us, and it was an entertaining, well-told adventure for everyone else. Stay up Felipe.

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    Matt Peña

    Didn't expect a stand up like this, funny as always, but damn this hit me in the o heart. Me and my wife love this dude, ever since we seen last comic standing. Man I hope I can see him live in Lubbock, Texas when he comes.

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    Erik Ruiz Felix

    Bro this guys usually hitting stand ups with back to back jokes sounds like he just wanted to get this off his chest really enjoyed the story keep it up bro

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    Mr. Jones

    Felipe, Hey Brother God Did Bless you with talent my man. You had me listening you said your from So. Cali. I was born in Orange Co. In 59. I know poverty there. I didn't expect to reach 18. Addictions, Violence. I looked at the comments their about a year out. And a lot of shit happening now in Hispanic community. And yea you put your heart out there. We got the bullshit behind us. God Bless you and yours.

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    Comedy Central Stand-Up

    Ready to rumble? Check out the craziest fight stories from This Is Not Happening here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5oyyo90i2VkGb7ImrDKdYBg

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    StrykerEcks

    He said Boyle Heights – the capital of East LA.
    Actually, Boyle Heights is LA, not East LA. It is east of downtown LA, but it's still LA. East LA is East of Indiana Ave.

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    Emmanuel S

    Are you kidding me!!!! Who the fawk let him get up there, I don't know about you all but if that fool got paid to do a skit on that night I'm 100% suer he got fawked up with that money… He should have got boooed off strange that was trash

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    MrBear2073

    If you get a chance to see this man live, do so. Hilarious show. Well worth the money! Can't wait to see him next time in McAllen TX.

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    Nightlife 9

    Ok when Gabriel Iglesias mentions Filipe I always thought the "whassup fool" was part of the caricature but omg hearing the man himself say it

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    Caleb O'Brien

    Good for him to many people let the obstacles in life stop them or consume them, its not where you come from or have done, it's all about the inner you remember it

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    PearlPerlita Venegas

    Proud of you Felipe!!!! Boyle Heights born & raised!!!! Breed St Elementary Hollenbeck Jr High Roosevelt High. Felipe is from my generation GenX growing up in the gang violence shoot outs in the hood in the 80s 90s….wayyyy before the White kids started shooting in middle class suburban schools. We had lockdown drills shooter in the school vicinity and drop to the ground if you hear gunshots drills. Felipe was friends with Meño Tapia at Hollenbeck . Meño is married to my cousin. Father Greg helped my family bury my brother Nelson Garcia in 1997.RIP. Gang violence murder. Father Gregory is a true Christian. He is the real deal. God Bless him

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    Alfredo Fonseca

    Niggas on the block is funnier than this cat. This dudes shirts buttons holding on for dear life are funnier than this cat. Brendan Shau…. no. This cats got it.

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    Mike c

    Felipe Esparza I truly enjoyed your story. I am happy your life turned out "okay" lol… you're one cool dude bro

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    Amber The Magnificent

    Yo why tf half the Latinos in LA sound EXACTLY like him? 😅😂😂 same tone and everything 🤣🤣

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    Jimmy Nolasco

    What are the odds?? I know the man he mentioned Tim The Irish he’s a good man he’s also catholic I use to live in the ghetto growing up he would be outside lady of peace church greeting hugging giving gifts to kids for years area infested by 4 rival gangs right across from each other he was a peacemaker great man brings tears to my eyes giving advice breaking up fights.

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    Juan Ron

    He’s funny but I just like him idk super likable guy man like I want to sit and have a bear and some torras with him

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