International Travel

International Travel


– I travel a lot. I’m constantly going through security, always behind that person that’s never left their house before. (audience laughs) They always want to ask me questions like, “Can I bring soup on the plane? (audience laughs) “It’s homemade soup.” I’m like, “Uh, you should ask them.” “For an ID, can I use a fishing license?” (audience laughs) “Uh, you should–” “Should I take off my shoes and my pants?” (audience laughs) “Yes, you should.”
(audience laughs and claps) Airport security’s annoying. It’s nothing compared
to international travel, like going through
customs and immigration. That’s so intense. They’re dressed like SWAT team members. (audience laughs) I always get so nervous. I’m like, “Do I have heroin on me? (audience laughs) “I don’t even know what heroin looks like “but I might have
accidentally packed some” (audience laughs) There’s that mini-interview
with the customs agent. “What do you plan to do in our country?” “Murder people.
(audience laughs and claps) “You got me. “I wasn’t ready for your trick questions.” (audience laughs) I always feel like an idiot
when I travel internationally. Silly that I don’t know the metric system. It’s not like I wasn’t exposed to it. When I was growing up, they’re like, “Learn the metric system. “Everyone learn the metric system. “Big switch coming up.”
(audience laughs) And then ten years later, they’re like, “Heh. Ne’er mind.
(audience laughs) “It’s too hard. “It’s based on tens (laughs). “Let’s go buy an SUV.”
(audience laughs and claps) So now I can’t ask a distance
when I visit another country. I’m like, “How far is that?” They’re like, “That’s 500 kilometers.” I’m not in the Olympics. (audience laughs) This isn’t a James Bond film. What’s it in normal speak? (audience laughs) I don’t speak any other languages. I have friends that speak Spanish
and French and Portuguese. I don’t care.
(audience laughs) I speak English, the language Jesus spoke. (audience laughs and applauds) At least he did in the movie I watched. I always love doing that joke. There’s always a couple of
faces in the audience like, “Don’t say that.”
(audience laughs) ‘Cause you travel internationally, you realize some people
don’t like Americans. I mean, the Canadians like
us and the Israelis like us. The Australians like Americans so much, it makes you question their judgment. (audience laughs) You should read some of our history. (audience laughs) But I get a kick out of what Europeans don’t like about Americans. They’re always like,
“You Americans are dumb. “You know nothing about Europe.” It’s not that we’re dumb. We’re just not that interested. (audience laughs) Sorry I don’t want to learn more about your windmill country.
(audience laughs) “He’s gonna get a wooden shoe in his ass.” (audience laughs and claps) First time I did that joke, the whole front row was Dutch people. (audience laughs) And they didn’t care, or they did. I don’t know. They have no emotion. It doesn’t matter.
(audience laughs) “He’s the most anti-Dutch comedian ever.” (audience laughs) Obviously I love
traveling internationally. The only negative? Too many foreigners, right?
(audience laughs) The weird thing is, is you
travel around the world and you realize pretty quickly people are the same wherever you go. Wherever you go, there are good people and there are Russians.
(audience laughs and claps) See, the reason that’s funny
is ’cause we were all raised with this bigotry towards Russians. (audience laughs) I have a friend, he was born in Russia. He moved here when he was three and I still think he might be a spy. (audience laughs) We don’t know.
(audience laughs) The best is when you’re visiting a country and someone thinks you’re a native. I was waiting for a cab in Stockholm and this Swedish lady turned to me and she was like, “Bjorn
Borg, Bjorn Borg.” (audience laughs) That’s not what she said. That’s what I heard. (audience laughs and claps) But I knew in that moment that once this lady
found out I was American, she was gonna be disappointed. (audience laughs) So I just decided that I was not gonna speak
any language she spoke. (audience laughs) She was like, “Bjorn Borg, Bjorn Borg.” And I was like, “Ah ah ah ah.”
(audience laughs) She was like, “Parlez-vous français?” I was like, “Ah ah ah ah.”
(audience laughs) She was like, “Do you speak English?” and I was like (robot noises). (audience laughs and claps) That woman is now my wife. (audience laughs and applauds) It’s just like The Notebook! (audience laughs) What?
(audience laughs) Still there.
(audience laughs)

Comments

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    Sweet& Kind

    Big Fan of Jim Gaffigan!!He's funny as hell😄😂with his stand up,and he's acting in more movies these days.The movies he acts in are perfectly suited for his personality,Jim is really an amazing comedian and actor!!👏👏💖

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    TheTraffic247

    We spy on allies. Have 800 military bases around the world and constantly start wars in other countries. When we are not going to war we are using cia to overthrow governments we don't like. But yea, we are not dumb, just not that interested in your country…unless we wanna steal something you have, lol.

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    JimElford

    Everytime I walk through the airport metal detector I feel like Arnie in Total Recall, any moment they're gonna detect my gun THAT I DONT HAVE.

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    241Tsunami

    I’ve been watching this video for like 5 min and it is frozen in time as the most racist video on the Dutch , without the Dutch you would have no TV , no radio , no electricity , no windows , no shoes and no English language . The Dutch created all those back in the 1500’s . There was a large war that broke out and they won again so they decided to share their goods and their inventions . It’s something everyone can be happy about . Tell 10 friends and then send back to me also to prove you care about me also .

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    Criss Gerwing

    Jim I like watching you work. Not just your voice…your facial expressions are so funny. 500 kms × 6 = 300 miles. Yes we in Canada sometimes like you folks. I have to say that I have family down there.

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    DreamBeliever365

    The Russians bigotry. Wow, people got quiet. I totally get what he’s saying. Back in the day… it was… Watch out for the Russians. He makes total sense. Lol

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    Nono

    I wasn't taught to hate Russians, but I do travel all over the world and see them everywhere. They seem to scowl all the time and look really grumpy. But it's just a look that they have. Most Russians I've hung out with are a lot of fun and very friendly people. They just don't smile all the time when not engaged in conversation.

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    XmanSully

    I know it's comedy but: only three countrys on this entire planet still use Imperial Units: the USA is in that noble club alongside Myanmar and Lyberia. Even the former empire (UK) oficialy uses the metric system for decades now. However, since the USA is the center of the universe, we grow up automaticly switching distances and speeds. As for Farenheit…. why the ***k would you use a system other then the one that determins freezing point as zero and boiling as a hundred?

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    Steve Mclean

    At least Americans are consistently stupid, some Europeans are intelligent, some are idiots. You just don't know what your going to get.

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    obbor4

    As long as football fields are 100 yards long, and it's 60 feet six inches from the mound to home plate and ninety feet between bases, we will never adopt the metric system.

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    Trinexx360

    Admittedly international travel should be easier for Americans. When the customs agent asks "What do you plan to do in our country?" you should always reply with "I'm American. I'm here to eat food and tons of it".

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    VultureClone

    "Australians like Americans so much.."

    Hah hah…if only he could hear what Aussies say about Americans, he wouldn't be saying that.
    Aussies are just friendly to everyone though, so probably just being polite.

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    gwimmer98

    „You are so dumb you know nothing about Europe”. Hahahaha. Im European and laughing my as off because it’s so true

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    cdh79

    I flew to the German Island Sylt last month with my golfbag and the man before me in customs also had two golfbags(one of his, and one of his wife) and the customs agent asked him "are there two dead bodies in there?" so i responded "we have three dead bodies in total" (pointing to my golfbag). He started laughing and waved us through.

    I think such a conversation would have ended up with me being tasered in the US. 😛

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    Kay Gee

    Nope. Canadians are just nice to American’s faces. As soon as you guys leave we’re like,”They smell like cheese and ammonia.”

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    Bob Gymlan

    I watch an Australian game show called the Chase. Australians seem to love the US. They’re always trying to win money to go to California. Or “San Fran.” Good people!

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    Matt Nelson

    I went on a week vacation in Cancun about 10 years ago. On the way back through customs, a drug dog hit on me – turns out all $100 bills smell like cocaine.

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    Thunder'sDad

    When I was a kid my mom was always afraid I was going to say the word "bomb" at the airport and somehow we'd all end up in a Turkish prison. We weren't even in Turkey, but she still thought we'd all end up in a Turkish prison.

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    Crinkle #

    I lived in Germany twice, my ex husband was in the military. Anytime I was by myself everyone thought I was German, blue eyes lite brown hair. I understood some German but was embarrassed to speak it lol

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