Summer Stupidity: NEW YORK (City Review!)

Summer Stupidity: NEW YORK (City Review!)


*Epic intro music* New York City is both the most populated and most densely populated city in the U.S., cramming the most people into the smallest comparative space. With a population of eight and a half million people, crammed into just over 300 square miles, it’s super crowded, super expensive, super loud, and inexplicably super fun. For me. This take is controversial. ♩ New York has a really good multi-level train system I never use if I can help it because public transit is uncomfortable and there’s an entire civilization of subway rats down there I’d rather not disturb. If you don’t like whipping through a labyrinthine network of underground tunnels at breakneck speed, you can get a cab instead where you can pay extra for the near-death experience of interacting with New York traffic. Most of New York is on a grid, except for the bits where it isn’t. If you’re going up Manhattan the long way the blocks are super short, but there’s 200 of them. If you’re going across the short way, the blocks are super long, but there’s only 15 of them. Feels like this should be the other way ’round. Right in the centre of the island is Central Park, which is way bigger than it feels like it really should be. If you want to get from 80th Street on the west side to 80th Street on the east side, I hope you’re prepared for some really circuitous detours because Central Park has no straight lines, possibly as some sort of rebellion against the rest of the city. New York is so dense that the traffic is always awful, but it’s also super slow, so not much can actually go wrong, it just takes forever. If you’re in a hurry, it’s probably better to brave the subway rats or just walk. Seven out of ten. All the trains had these weird occult fliers on them, advertising a spiritual consultant and I don’t know what’s up with that. ♩ Manhattan has a lot of buildings. Most of them are very tall and skinny because, real estate is like $2,000 per square foot. (not an exaggeration) Hotels are very expensive and very small. So are apartments, so are proper houses. A million dollar mansion in New York City is about ten feet across. Being rich in New York is almost pointless because the highest status symbol you could possibly hope for is a regular-ass condo anywhere else. I stayed in a hotel that felt like the room is about 75% scaled down from a normal small hotel room. and I don’t get to feel tall very often, but the bed only came up to my knees and that made me feel a special kind of powerful. New York has a bunch of iconic buildings. Most of them are best viewed from the outside because despite the flashy façade, the inside is boring office drudgery which feels like a metaphor for something depressing. Central Park isn’t a building but it’s my favorite thing in New York because it feels like an eldritch location that changes every time I go there. I was wandering around there when the sun went down once and it is a wild experience being able to see recognizable buildings in every direction and having no goddamn idea how to get there. It’s also got really big rocks. Good for climbing. Central Park also has the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which is great as long as you’re not there when every other tourist had the same idea. There’s also a public library where the ceilings are painted to look like beautiful cloudy skies, which is something more colleges should try. It would probably raise morale. Nine out of ten. Save a tourist attraction. Climb a really big rock instead. ♩ New York is near the coast, so the local weather is basically whatever the ocean’s feeling that day. This isn’t really New York’s fault, But I was in New York trying to get to Chicago when the polar vortex thing happened and all the trains stopped running so I was stuck in New York for two days before Amtrak dumped me on the Cardinal line, which runs for 28 hours through all the ugliest, dullest parts of Virginia, West Virginia and Kentucky. Country Roads is forever ruined for me because I’ve seen West Virginia and it sucked. 2 out of 10 It’s not New York’s fault, but I’m still salty. ♩ The best thing about New York is it’s so dense I spent a few days across the street from a kosher cafe with bagels the size of frisbees, one block away from a lovely little tea shop next door to a fancy steak house and three doors down from a bun bakery. I picked a random direction and walked for three minutes before finding a gorgeous breakfast Bistro with the best banana and Nutella french toast I’ve ever had. I went to dinner at a literally underground Japanese bar and introduced a friend to dim sum in Chinatown. 10 out of 10 Look at all these cheesecakes. ♩ New Yorkers are hilarious and I mean this in the best possible way. Everyone thinks New Yorkers are rude because they’re blunt, but I’m allergic to subtlety so I super love it. The truest New York experience imaginable is sharing a bonding moment with a crosswalk full of strangers at 11:00 p.m. as you watch a cab driver and a bike courier fight in the intersection. I got lost in LaGuardia Airport and the minute I looked even vaguely confused, a New Yorker zeroed in from across the hallway and yelled: ‘Where ya tryna go sweetheart?’ ‘Ah, gate Charlie 9 you wanna go back that ways aways and take a left’ 11 out of 10 I wish every city worked like this. ♩ Overall, I give the city of New York an aggregate score of: Pretty good. I know it’s not for everyone, but I really like it and it’s definitely not like anywhere else. Give it a visit if you like crowds, loud noises and spending money. Or if you don’t. I usually don’t like any of those things, but go figure. *Whomp*

Comments

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    CaffeineSpeltWrite

    I think we may have had almost the exact same experience of New York.. and may have even gone to the Met on the same day XD Only difference is that I did JFK and didn't understand that you had to pull the yellow cable on the bus to make it stop…because in Britain we have buttons for that nonsense.

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    M A

    Live in a place New Yorkers invade seasonally…you’ll have a very different opinion of them.

    I hate New York.

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    VulpesHilarianus

    "I've seen West Virginia and it sucked."

    Every place in the winter sucks. Come back in the summer. It's like a friggin' jungle. Foliage so dense no light whatsoever gets through. If you're a nature person you'll love it.

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    Vendura

    As a Trucker i HATE going to or near New York City , the i287/i95 Spawn Pit with that Hellzone we call Long-island .

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    Atomizer

    As a resident of rural western Virginia, you are correct about the terrible state of our infrastructure.

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    WarBacca 101

    New York: if you have it we will tax it, and if it is fun then we will regulate it until it is no longer fun.

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    Boisegang

    Watch out for the Rioters, the Cleaners, the Rikers, and the LMB. Also, never do Lincoln Tunnel solo.

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    Queenbet Draws

    New Yorkers being blunt is really helpful bc when we went there this guy saw my family looking for lunch and recommended a great pizza shop, we went there and tbh it’s probably the best pizza I’ve ever had

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    Soundwavegamer

    Things I miss after moving from New York to Florida

    Good bagels
    Good Chinese food
    And the pizza that ruins all other pizza because no other pizza taste as good (and that was agreed upon by a Brit I work with)

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    lunareclipse0629

    If this is what you think of NYC I'd love to hear what you think of Jersey.
    (Also please please keep doing this, your Boston review is hilarious.)

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    The tall person with wings

    My thoughts when I was in new York for holdiay/ world tang soo do tournament.
    Beds are tiny (I am over 2 meters tall and i swear those beds didn't even support my knees)
    Second. Those beds are hard and painful to your back.
    3de it's fucking crowded.
    4the: I don't like having to look over my shoulder just to be sure no one is trying to pickpocket me and holy shit another hobo on the corner.
    5the: just visit this city once. If you don't like it don't come back but you have seen it.
    I will probobly not return there to crowded and high.
    It would be the end for everyone is a zombi apocalypse happend here

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    Korrupted Tomato

    Idk why but I expected her to say something along the lines of I saw colors , unlike any seen on earth

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    The Strategy Gamer

    OH YEAH THE KEANO FLYERS! I'm a native new yorker and I have no idea what's up with those. Also, the subway is honestly way more convenient if u live here but visitors can use the taxi. We have the best bagels and pizza its a fact don't @ me.

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    Steel

    In New York if you move out and leave the state and take everything with you, there is an exit tax, because so many people got fed up with the politicians they decided to trap everyone who couldn't afford to live there.

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    Mari Akutsu

    Went three two months ago and there were a lot of people helping us out with directions and even offered to hold our phones to take our pictures. They can be loud but eh, that was my experience when going to America as someone who hasnt been there in about a decade!

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    demonceage

    When she says "New York", She means Manhatten. as for the rest of the Burroughs takes a deep breath

    Queens can go suck a fat one because some absolute madman chose to name most of the streets the same fucking thing just with a different identifier at the end (St, Ave, Place, Blvrd).

    Brooklyn is fun but is slowly becoming more gentrified as the years go on. Actually, now that I think about it, its really just a grab bag of "will I get stabbed or won't I get stabbed". I grew up there and even I don't know what the hell is going on there half the time. Most people are friendly and will invite you to a cookout on sight but a few are legit killers and you should avoid eye contact. although those two groups seem to overlap sometimes.

    The Bronx is seriously the most volatile place in the city. in the span of 15 feet, you can bump into a felon, find a pizza place that serves "the best pizza in the state", and find a subway station or bus stop. Most people mind their own business but the kids are little shits who think they run the world.

    Staten Island/ Long Island. They don't count.

    Source: Lived in MYC my whole life.

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    Sophie Szobonya

    "bed reached up to my knee"
    Wait a second. Stands next to her own bed. Is knee high Red. 1. How big is your bed??? 2. Are you smaller than 5'5"m cause I'm that tall. Or knee high beds are a weird European thing?
    (Checked another bed in the house. That's knee high too)

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    Summer Axoworagon

    As a native of Queens, yea, sometimes i just see someone w/ a backpack and play a game of "trendy, student, tourist, or all"

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    Ren the Seer

    Ah yes the true Loner challenge, be in the most densely crowded city imaginable and still somehow maintain your edge.

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    Super Furious Gamer

    Lived in New York all my life but i have yet to hear someone actually use a “New Yorker” accent in reality

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    Intern Sage

    Me: lives in Texas
    Me: watching this Interesting. The traffic sounds like Dallas. Absolutely horrible. Housing is weird. Buildings are also slightly fun. Not that many museums unless you want to learn about Texas history. Not really any trains unless pulling cargo. Barbeque is SUPER easy to find, but it's difficult to find a really good barbeque place. This has been my basic rundown of San Antonio.

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    Akilah Bee

    I love your fast talking Red🤩
    I never get bored or tiered of it 🤯😍
    I wander it Blue would try it himself 🤔 probably not.😅

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    I'm a bookworm deal with it

    The capital city of Georgia (country) is a lot like New York other than the whole tall buildings thing

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    MaiNerys426

    As someone who has been to Virginia I get attest that rural Virginia is well “interesting” when it comes to infrastructure. Mind you if you go to the places where colonial houses and historical sites are you’ll find it’s a little bit better. Just don’t talk about Southwestern Virginia nobody remembers it least of all Virginians. Also Nova sucks.

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    Peter P

    Seems mostly accurate, but you only described Manhattan lol. Try Queens and Brooklyn next time. Theres so much diversity in some of the neighborhoods. Cheap but delicious foods in low key places too (Bless Halal food trucks).

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    Zanar Naryon

    I really want them to talk about Oslo and its people. "Cashiers are all very friendly, but they're the only ones. Norwegians will not talk to you unless you talk to them first, and the conversation will consist of them making the Elder Sign and jumping out a window"

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    Some random Guy

    0:45 Fun fact: Central Park ain’t even the largest park in NYC, in fact, it actually ranks fifth with the largest being Pelham Bay.

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    evan david

    Never been to New York myself, but if I ever go there, this is the song that'll be playing in my head – so hit it!!! (Or just click https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJ58uVZm7KI – your call, yes?)

    'Many years since I was here

    On the street I was passin' my time away

    To the left and to the right, buildings towering to the sky

    It's outta sight in the dead of night

    (Ooh) Here I am, and in this city

    (Ooh) With a fistful of dollars

    And baby, you'd better believe

    I'm back, back in the New York Groove

    I'm back, back in the New York Groove

    I'm back, back in the New York Groove

    Back in the New York Groove, in the New York Groove

    In the back of my Cadillac

    A wicked lady, sittin' by my side, sayin' "Where are we?"

    Stop at Third and Forty-three, exit to the night

    It's gonna be ecstacy, this place was meant for me

    (Ooh) I feel so good tonight

    (Ooh) Who cares about tomorrow

    So baby, you'd better believe

    I'm back, back in the New York Groove

    I'm back, back in the New York Groove

    I'm back, back in the New York Groove

    Back in the New York Groove, in the New York Groove
    …!!!'

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    evan david

    PS: As a Brit, any chance of Red doing a similar video on London and/or any other UK cities at some point, please…?

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