Vons Have More Fun

Vons Have More Fun


(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo scripted
original series. What news could be so urgent
that it couldn’t wait one night? I mean, that’s weird,
even for your family. God only knows. Something about
their trip to Austria. Well, getting a sitter
on two hours’ notice is like the triple Salchow
of parenting. It can’t be done. But I did it. I made it happen. [doorbell buzzes]
– Ooh. Hi, come on up. So who’d we get,
Katie or Jenny? Katie or Jenny? Hon, are you high? We’re not in a position
to get a babysitter we know. We’re desperados. So who the hell’s looking
after our kids tonight? Someone that the Goulds’
downstairs neighbor’s sitter’s friend met
in improv class. [doorbell rings] Hi! Where are the kiddos? I brought toys. I bet you did. Welcome. Kids, the booby-sitter– the babysitter’s here. Um, Can you pick your tongue
off the floor? We’ve got to go. We have a reservation. ♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪ ♪ I’m feeling fine,
I’m feeling fine ♪ Okay, we scrounged up
a sitter at the last minute. Pretty sure she’s a porn star,
but she was available. What is this urgent,
thrilling news? It’s official. We’re not regular people. We’re Vons. And so are you. – What?
– What does that mean? (Candace)
As you know, one of the reasons why we flew to Vienna
for the weekend was to explore
our family history. And we discovered that
we are direct descendants of a 16-century
Prussian duke, Ludwig Von Weber, which means we are actually
Austrian aristocracy. Rad. Oh, yay, bre– – No bread!
– No bread! Anyway, I was telling Dottie the other day
for the thousandth time that she can’t pee
standing up. Jillybean, you’re not
hearing the best part. We’re all changing our name
to Von Weber. Ha, right! Oh, my God,
you’re serious? Well, we’re not
actually changing. We’re restoring. Now, if a Cezanne
were chipped, it would be
restored, yes? You see, this is just
genealogical art history. (Andy)
Okay, I mean,
it’s very exciting. But, I mean,
don’t you find it just ever so slightly
pretentious? Is it pretentious
to call Judi Dench Dame Judi Dench? No. I redid all of Rutherford’s
kindergarten applications, and let me just say…
it’s good. Adding the Von could really
give the twins a leg up, which, if you
think about it… Just think about it. So I’m curious,
during your research, did you happen
to stumble upon where this Von Weber clan was
during the 1930s and ’40s? You know, the tree gets a little
fuzzy in that time period. But a branch of the family
did resurface inArgentinain the ’60s,
which is cool. (Jill)
They’re Nazis. It explains everything. They’re not Nazis. Look at the antlers
on your family crest. And did you see how they
signaled for no bread? We are not changing our name. No, never,nyet.Nyetis Russian. I think you meannein.And, honey, just playing
devil’s advocate. What about the kindergarten
applications thing? These schools do pop a boner
over fancy lineage. Oh, I still have a tsunami
of applications to finish. I know it’s weird
and unnecessary, but they’re my family. We have to pick our battles. And at the end
of the day, sweetie, it’s three letters, right? So could you just pretend
to think about it? Sure. (Miles)
Mommy, I’m scared! Oh. That’s the fourth night
in a row. What the hell? Mommy! Do you want me
to go deal with it?Nein,I’ll go. Everything has
to be re-monogrammed. The linens,
all three china patterns, The silver set,
the flatware. Oh, did you find
any needy W families who would appreciate
that stuff? I’d hate to just
throw it all out. Not yet, but I am
still looking. It’s every bit as exciting
as you said, Brookey! I know! Confession–
I always thought Weber was a little ho-hum,
kitchen sink. That’s because
it was Americanized. Oh, just think. This baby will never
have to live a day as a non-Von. Gay-men. [doorbell rings] Nicole, can you get that? The kids are doing great. Thank you for asking. Dude, you want Nicole to make you an espresso
or a smoothie? No, no, I’m good.
Thanks. It’s not even 8:00.
It’s like Grand Central here. I don’t even notice
anymore. What’s going on? You need money? Jesus. Could you please not get
all dick-swingy on me? Even if I did need money,
I wouldn’t ask you. Why not? I’d do anything for you. You know how much money
you’ve loaned me over the years? $6,300 for your dorm-brewed
beer business at Dartmouth, not to mention all
the pro-bono legal help I gave you when that kid
nearly died drinking it. He was such a faker. He was on
life support, Lex. For, like, a day. The rock. Let’s see what you got. Splash. Nice shot. So are you guys actually
gonna do this Von thing? What’s your problem
with it? Splash. It just seems kind of douchey,
don’t you think? It’s our heritage. Look alive. Okay. Here we go. All right, well,
I’ve been working a lot lately. Just because some lackey
at Ellis Island was too lazy
to put the letters V-O-N on our ancestors’ papers, why should our children
and our grandchildren be deprived
of their cultural identity? Plus, it sounds badass. (woman)
There is a fast-spreading wave
of overconsumption ignited by the nouveau riche and colored by our children
with a gilded confusion between mass and class. Let me get
this straight. This is like a club for
descendants of Euro nobility? No portfolio
can buy heritage. Brooke and Candace jumped at the chance to join,
of course. Now they want me
to experience it while we’re considering
Von-ification. Thank you for coming. Sometimes I just
need a witness. Please, you had me
at “free food and open bar.” And one can’t buy
a transfusion of blue blood. I’d rather
eat my spleen. Let’s go. [Jill crunching] Try the shrimp.
It’s amazing. Okay, I’m dying to hear
about the new guy. What’s his name, again? Timothy.
We had drinks at The Standard. – Love.
– He’s into bird watching. Weird. He’s also
a big baseball fanatic. – Snooze-a-roonie.
– Oh, and this is sad. His parents died
in a plane crash when he was 12. He’s an orphan? Wait.
That’s fantastic! A guy without parents
is a deal-maker. Marry that guy. Crack out the ketubah. I’m not getting
married again. I might not even
sleep with him. Maybe just dinner
and a little hand stuff. Okay, yum. I’m totally reconsidering
this whole Von thing. You should do it. Candace, Brooke, and Lex would have a simultaneous
orgasm if we agreed. Hi, guys. Hi! Ugh, I have to pee again. God, I hate being pregnant.
I’m Chris Christie. [sighs]
How exciting is this, huh? Gianni del Bianco is the most
exclusive spa in Europe. Even I couldn’t get
an appointment in one of my last trips
to Rome. (Vanessa)
That’s an outrage. I hope you told the Pope. They’re offering us–
sorry, Vanessa– a day of beauty at their
first location in the States. Candace and I are booked
for next Monday, and you are coming with. Oh, that’s so nice. But I can’t even think
about next Monday or anything until I get the twins’ school
applications in the mail. Jill, you’re not
seriously putting your children’s futures
in the hands of the U.S. Postal Service,
are you? Nicole is hand-delivering all
of Rutherford’s applications, and I’d be happy to have
her do that for you. That’s so sweet,
but it’s okay. I say this with love. But, um… you’re starting
to look a bit late-30s. Just from above the neck. Well, I’m 39. The neck too. You deserve some pampering. I’m gonna have Nicole
call you, okay? (Brooke)
Tootles. For Brooke,
that was really nice. A little too nice. Why do I feel like Adrianna
fromThe Sopranosright before
she got whacked? Well, if you don’t go,
I will. I’ve read about
that stem-cell facial in theNew York Times,and it sounds “ridic.” [cell phone chimes]
– Ooh, it’s Timothy. – Do you mind?
– Not at all. Lock that orphan down. You wouldn’t have in-laws. Lock that Von down. I want to come back here
with a bigger purse. (Jill)
Hmm… [cell phone ringing] [ringing continues] Have not had coffee yet.
Sorry in advance. So how was date three
with the orphan? Are you engaged yet? Uh…
maybe the opposite. We took a romantic trip
to Bone Town, and I just woke up. Gone. He just left? – Who does that?
– Me, usually. I’ve thrown myself
down trash chutes to avoid the morning after. What’s up with you? Okay, it’s D-Day. Kindergarten applications
are due. And don’t laugh, but I’m really torn
about this Von thing. Brooke is sending
one of her nannies over to pick up my applications
any minute. – What do I do?
– What does Andy say? You know him. He just wants
to please his family. He even printed out
another set of applications and filled them out
with “Von Weber” to try to change my mind. But every time
I reach for that pile, I feel like I’m joining
the Aryan Nation. Who’s crazy this time,
them or me? Usually
it’s pretty clear-cut, but, oof, that raw bar
is clouding my judgment. [knock at door] That’s weird. Jill,
I’ll call you back. Timothy! Hey, you. What’s happening? I’m making us breakfast. What did you think
was happening? I make a mean
Spanish omelet. Wait. You didn’t think
I’d just take off without saying good-bye? I’ve heard that happens. Oh, do you have
a 12-inch cast iron? Nonstick would work,
but I like cast iron. Better flavor. [Jill’s voice warbling] Ahh!
Oh, my God. So, Jill, what happened
this morning with Nicole? She said you had a conflict. Big-time. Identity… ♪ crisis ♪ Oh, my God,
that feels so good. I’ll spare you the details, but I schlepped both piles
of school applications up here, Von and non-Von, and I’m just gonna see
where the day takes me. [sighs] Will you move in
with me? If she doesn’t show up
at work tomorrow, she’s chloroformed
in my closet. [laughter] Jill, you’re funny! You’re overthinking it. It’s only a name. Well, a name that has already
opened up many doors. I just got a table
at Danny Meyer’s new taqueria, after weeks of trying
with no success. My point is, this is
just the beginning. Oh, my God. Jill! You look young enough
to still have your period. Oh, my, she does
look radiant. I told you they’re famous
for their stem-cell facials. It’s illegal
in most countries. Can I see? [sweeping mandolin music] ♪ ♪ (woman)
I’m terribly sorry
to bother you, but there’s a Nicole
at the desk asking for a package
she’s meant to pick up. (Brooke)
Jill. Jill! Tell her… Jill Von Weber
will be right there. Thanks again. That was the most action
that this kitchen’s ever had. Oh. Is it bad that I want
to see you again really soon? – Like, how soon?
– I was thinking tonight. Oh, look at you
with no intimacy issues. Sure. Text me later.
I’ll be at work. One more. Okay. One more. – Okay, but that’s the last one.
– Mm-hmm. – For reals.
– Okay. I’m leaving. – Bye.
– Bye. To Jill becoming a Von. To Jill learning
to luxuriate. To Nicole, who’s delivering
14 applications while I beautify. Vons really do
have more fun. [laughter] So true. Hilarious. [laughs]
Jill, you’re a hoot. Anyway, thank you so much
for including me. This is really such a treat. We don’t spend
enough time together, the three of us. You know,
the longer I live, the more I realize
how important it is… to stay thin. Yeah. Oh, no bread! I’m sorry.
I thought you had bread. Sorry. Anyway, I can’t believe
that I still have a hot-stone massage
to look forward to after lunch. [laughter] What’s going on? You are not getting
a hot-stone massage. We got you a surprise
treatment instead. Seriously? I don’t like surprises
when I know they’re coming. Don’t worry. Just relax and savor
your new identity. Okay. By the way,
I just told Andy the news. I think he’s in shock. [laughs]
Probably is. I love being married,
but next time around, I’m definitely not
changing my name. (woman)
Talk later. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help
but overhear. I’m Andy, by the way. Curious, why the regrets
about changing your name? Oh, my God,
don’t get me started. Logistical nightmare. My credit cards, bills,
my passport, bank statements, Facebook account,
everything had to be changed. Just last week,
I couldn’t get on to a flight because my airline tickets didn’t match
my driver’s license. I went berserk. One of me is probably on a terrorist
watch list by now. Ironically, I’m thinking
of changing my name. I was going to, but now… Oh, don’t listen to me. You should totally
go for it. Same-sex marriage is, like, the most important
issue right now. Are you guys hyphenating
or doing a hybrid or…? Uh… Whatever. It doesn’t matter.
[phone ringing] I just think
it’s so romantic to share a name
with someone you love. Excuse me. Hi.
this is Tamra Slutsky. Not as far as I know. Is it a Reiki treatment? Dead Sea salt scrub? Oh, is it a reading
by your psychic Ronaldo? Honestly, I’m a skeptic
dying to be converted. Tell her, Brooke. We thought it might be fun
to try out some new looks. Okay, what kind
of new looks? Just a few minor tweaks
here and there, starting with some
caramel highlights. But I like my hair
the way it is. Oh, trust us, Jill.
You’re very severe. (Brooke)
You could be so much prettier
if you tried. Like, so much prettier. We just want to
brighten up your look, introduce you to bronzer. Bronzer. Think softening. Think youth. Think blood
in the veins. Thanks, but I think I’m gonna
stick with my own thing. Oh, sweetie, ever since
the Hercules sale, our family is
in the spotlight. Center stage. You’re in the wings,
of course, but if you can see them,
they can see you. And we want you
to look your best. You’re a Von now. Own it. Okay. Lucinda? [cart creaking] [ominous music] ♪ ♪ Highlights. Pastels. (Brooke)
Ladylike. The sky. – Lavender
– Perfume. Soft. (Candace)
Nonthreatening. (Brooke)
Girly, golden retrievers. No. – Pretty.
– No. Feminine. Aah! No, I–
This isn’t happening! Jill, calm yourself. Look, I know
you mean well. I’m pretty sure
you mean well. But this is who I am. And if you’ll excuse me, I have 14 non-Von applications
to deliver. [upbeat rock music] ♪ ♪ Hello. Hi.
Wonderful to be here. I specifically hand-delivered
these applications ’cause you’re
our first-choice school. Save the boot-licking
for my boss. I’m just here to collect
the applications. Appreciate your honesty. Cheers. One down, 13 to go. Aah! but are you
furious with me? Oh, I don’t know. I might be able
to forgive you, with a little persuasion. Oh, really? What kind of persuasion,
my tall, handsome,
aristocratic husband? This kind. (Miles)
Mommy! I’m scared! – What is wrong with him?
– He needs to grow a pair. (Miles)
Mommy! – Eff me hard.
– Oh! That’s what I was
trying to do. Coming, honey! – Damn.
– Right? Hey, where are you going? Just the bathroom. Oh, no, don’t go. Aw, you’re cute. Really, don’t, okay? Just, like, not yet. Come back. I will, in a sec. I just have to pee
and take my contacts out. You go to sleep.
I’ll be right back. Okay, but, like,
really hurry back and don’t even
wash your hands. Um, it’s okay. I can go later. Yeah, yeah.
[pounds bed] Yes, yeah, come here. – Okay.
– Come back. – Come back.
– Oh. – Okay.
– Oh. – Okay.
– Okay. Well… This is comfortable. Hey, your timing
is perfect. I just got him to sleep. (Vanessa)
Oh, me too. So here’s the thing
about this particular orphan. He has abandonment issues,
which would be fine if I didn’t have
intimacy issues. Define “abandonment issues.” Um, he cried when I said I couldn’t see him
tomorrow night. Okay, yeah, bye-bye. Oh, so that selfie you sent
after your day of beauty was insane. Your skin looked so young. I had to hate you
for a second. Thanks, honey,
but it’s not happening again. My in-laws
might disown me for rejecting
their stupid heritage. [groans] Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh. Good night, Miles. Good night,
stem-cell facials. [laughs] Good night,
Candace thinking I’m a hoot. Good night,
Spanish omelets. Good night, best sex
I’ve had since Labor Day. [groaning]
No. Oh, God.
He’s having a nightmare. I got to go. [Timothy muttering,
Vanessa shushing] (Timothy)
I was at the store. Good night, I love you. No… I haven’t seen him. Okay, he’s gone. No… [phone beeping] Hello.
I’m wondering if, by chance, you have a table
for two tonight at 8:00? Yeah, I figured. Thanks, anyway, and congrats
on the great review– [dial tone] [phone beeping] [British accent]
Yes, hello. I’m calling on behalf
of Madam Von Weber. I know it’s terribly
last-minute, but I want to see
if perhaps you might have a table for two available
tonight at 8:00? Youcanaccommodate her. Brilliant.
She’ll be thrilled. Many thanks.
That’s wonderful news. [dial tone]
– [blows raspberry] For moreOdd Mom Out,
go to bravotv.com. [seagulls crying] (girl)
Oh, dear.

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